Saturday, August 10, 2013

Lisa Henry Closes Out Domestic Discipline Week with a Guest Post and Giveaway


It's the last day of Domestic Discipline Week. Thank you so much to everyone who stopped by to contribute thoughts on domestic discipline and, of course, sharks. Last but certainly not least this week, we have a guest post and giveaway from my co-writer Lisa Henry. Lisa says things really well, which is probably why I love writing with her. That and she promises me some weird Australian kind of chocolate frog when we finish something. Which is actually unspeakably cruel, because the chocolate never materializes. Yet I keep slaving away in hopes that one day it will. 

Don't forget to check out all of this week's interviews and giveaways. There are links on the lefthand sidebar, and all of the giveaways are still going on. There's also an intro to DD, a glossary, DD-themed excerpts, and resources if you want to learn more about the lifestyle, or read more DD fiction. Thanks again for coming by, and I'll turn it over to Lisa now!

Domestic Discipline. It feels strange to be writing about this on JA’s blog, since her book By His Rules was the first time I’d actually read any Domestic Discipline. By which, for the purposes of this post, I mean discipline administered by one partner to another, without a sexual payoff.

And at first I was all. “Whaaat? If there’s a spanking in the offing, there had damn well better be a reward at the end.”

Sexual kink, I totally get. This...



But then I thought about it.

Does anyone remember the show Men Behaving Badly? There was a scene there where Gary was explaining to Dorothy’s nephew that in every relationship, there was a silly person and a policeman. And it was the job of the policeman to keep a lid on the silly person. Dorothy, of course, was the policeman.

It’s strange, uncharted territory for most of us, because we’re conditioned to think that relationships are partnerships (which of course they are) and that partnerships are equal (which of course, they aren’t always).

In your relationship, it’s very likely that someone is in charge of cooking, someone is in charge of the money, and someone is in charge of remembering to put fuel in the car. We all have different strengths and weaknesses, and partnerships find a balance. And it’s not always an equal balance. We negotiate. Each partner brings something different to the table. Which is great, let me tell you, because I’m sure as hell not mowing the lawn. Or doing the ironing. But I will make sure the pets are fed and the bills are paid (more or less) on time.

So imagine for a second there is more of a division of roles there. Imagine there are rules. What if it really is one partner’s job to be the silly person, and one partner’s job to be the policeman? Well, in DD, that policeman is also likely to be judge, jury and executioner when it comes to discipline.

We’re also conditioned to think that discipline, as in spanking or the removal of privileges, belongs in a parent/child relationship, and not in a relationship between adult partners. And it is sometimes difficult to imagine it between adults, because we also imagine a complete power imbalance that exists there as it does between a parent and a child. But as anyone with knowledge of D/s relationships knows, it’s not that simple.

BDSM 101: the sub is the one who actually holds the power.

Parenting 101: if the kid actually holds the power, you’re in trouble.

Two very different scenarios.

So the reward in a DD scene might not be sexual. What it is, for those who might sometimes need a policeman in their lives, is a reminder of the boundaries. The knowledge that there will be consequences. And the reaffirmation that they’re not being ignored, that someone is actually in control of this crazy ride called a relationship, and that, above all, they are loved.

And for the policeman? That need for order, that need for trust, and the gift of their partner’s submission.

It looks like a power imbalance. It isn’t.

DD relationships are as loving as any others based on trust and respect. And love isn’t always sexual. Love is how we live our lives, day in and day out.


And now, the giveaway! Comment on this post for a chance to win your choice of Lisa's backlist titles. Check out your options on her website. Contest will close at 11:59 p.m. EST on August 13th.

20 comments:

  1. Those shark photos are great, and I appreciate the dose of laughter! Please count me in for the giveaway drawing. Thanks!
    -Marie

    awindandbooks at gmail dot com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for stopping by, Marie! I also enjoyed the photos.

      Delete
  2. About DD- academically, I get where it comes across as a strange and maybe uncomfortable concept for some people. But, I'm thinking that if you're wired that way, the concept isn't really that hard to grasp and sounds very comforting. Maybe that's a good litmus test on how your put together. (Thinking I'd be a really good Brat for the right Top)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good point, Chris. It's never been hard for me to grasp why someone would be drawn to it. My reservations all come from being overly analytical about the issues that have been explored this week--equality, mutual pleasure, gender constructs, etc. In actual relationships with the right people, I don't worry so much about about the academic part, because it's easier to go by what feels right.

      Delete
  3. a reminder of the boundaries. The knowledge that there will be consequences. And the reaffirmation that they’re not being ignored, that someone is actually in control of this crazy ride called a relationship, and that, above all, they are loved.

    This makes perfect sense to me. It must be wonderful to have that absolute trust in someone. I understand the comforting boundaries of DD much better than I understand the sexual charge of BDSM.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for stopping by, Elin. The need really does make sense, and I think it's one that many people share--it just manifests itself in different ways.

      Delete
  4. Great post, Lisa. I used to love 'Men Behaving Badly' and I do remember the episode when Gary makes the policeman comment. I love the way you used it here in relation to DD. I especially like how you explain what the 'policeman' might get from a DD relationship. "That need for order, that need for trust, and the gift of their partner’s submission." Beautifully put.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree! A really cool comparison.

      Delete
    2. Lol, thanks Fabian! And now I want to go and rewatch the Men Behaving Badly episode where Gary misses his date with Dorothy because he and Tony are getting drunk at the pub. I loved that show!

      Delete
  5. Of all the books I have -- and I have over 600 m/m books, By His Rules is somehow the sexiest. I'm not sure why, it isn't the spanking but the power exchange and the trust that just gets me. Never read another book that affected me quite like that but you made a believer of me. Love Aiden and Keaton. Would adore, adore a sequel.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your kind words, Lynn. I'm really glad the book worked for you. The mutual trust is definitely at the heart of why I like DD so much. Thanks for stopping by for DD Week!

      Delete
  6. Thank you Lisa for a Great post that closes J.A.'s Domestic Discipline Week. I was very interesting, I learned a lot & found DD very intriguing.
    Lisa, I really liked you comment...."DD relationships are as loving as any others based on trust and respect. And love isn’t always sexual. Love is how we live our lives, day in and day out."...that is such a fitting comment to close out a Great week.
    Thank you to the Authors who took part & for the Great Comments I read from your Blog Followers J.A.
    Take Care & Stay Naughty,
    Renee'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for participating, Renee. I had fun this week and learned a lot from all of my guests. Glad you had a good experience as well!

      Delete
    2. Thanks, Renee! I learned a lot this week as well!

      Delete
  7. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and for the giveaway.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank you so much for the giveaway. I just stumbled upon this, I'm definitely going to read back through your posts on Domestic Discipline.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ooooh, nicely put. You're definitely right in that, as with a lot of BDSM, you either get it or you don't. Love the 101 ;)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks to everyone who commented!

    ReplyDelete